Nature of Grief

Grief is complex; non-linear; and, it waxes and wanes; just when one thinks they have completed the grief process, they may find themselves dropped to their knees again with sorrow. Yet, grief is not exclusively defined by despair. Other experiences of grief may include shock, denial, fear, anger, acceptance, guilt, anxiety, fatigue, helplessness, yearning, emancipation, and even relief.

We have a lack of precise definitions of grief in our field. For, it is experienced in nuanced ways underneath the loss of a loved one. On the other hand, disenfranchised grief gives meaning to those losses that are not socially embraced, whether it be an unspeakable loss, such as a miscarriage, or one that carries shame, such as an affair. 

When in mourning, there is a vacancy, a void, an aimlessness. The attention shifts from what is to what is not.

You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror… Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. -Megan Devine

Psychotherapy can support and provide a safe container for as long as stillness needs. In the absence of the need to move or do anything, except feel deeply the emptiness of an unforeseen self - existing in an unforeseen world.  Internalizing the presence of a lost loved one in a psychological way (as opposed to physical) creates a new way the survivor can garner proximity again to their loved one.

“I needed to be alone so that he could come back.”

I recommend Joan Didion’s novel, The Year of Magical Thinking , When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron, and It’s Ok That You’re Not OK, by Megan Devine.